mom on the verge...

bedtime...what a nightmare

2010-01-12T11:58:00.000-08:00

My dream: getting my kids to bed at 8:30 and snuggling up on the sofa to watch a movie alone with my husband. My evenings are more like a volleyball match. My son finds every reason to get out of bed and every delay tactic available, the most common and effective of which is that he is starving and couldn't possibly fall asleep with such a roar in his tummy. We have to lie down and read to him (he who fights sitting down with a book at any other time of the day). Sometimes he falls asleep when we turn the lights out and sometimes he's up for another hour, in and out of bed with the "Mama this and Mama that". If we let him sit in bed with the little light on reading about Pokémon or sharks (his two favorite topics), looking at his Pokémon cards, or just fiddling with some little gadget, he'd stay awake into the wee hours of the morning. He was difficult to get down at night even as a baby, and once he was able to climb out of the crib and we got him a bed, we had a whole new evening playing field on our hands. I'm already worried about my future teenage son and school starting at 8am (versus our lenient 9:25am elementary school start). Ah, well…one day at a time, or more appropriately, one night at a time.

the great irony

2009-12-20T14:01:00.001-08:00

Friday was report card day. My son is not particularly gifted in any skill set...basically a C student if I dare to interpret the complex 3rd grade assessments into letter grades. Maybe he's a B in math and a C- in reading and writing. Just AVERAGE with some areas of needed improvement, and I'm okay with that. (Good God, I'd hate to have my son out-perform his mother's achievements in elementary school!)Where my son received the highest available marks was in the areas of cooperation, helpfulness, respect of others and demonstrating responsibility. No, really? My son who runs around the house roaring like a caged animal? Actually, I'm not totally surprised. He had the mind set of pleasing his teachers even before starting ADHD medication. I am truly grateful that I am not one of those parents who see the school number ringing in on my cell phone and have a lump in my throat. (I'll try to keep this gratefulness in mind tomorrow morning when he's spinning out of control before his meds kick in and I'm about to lose my cool.)

we survived

2009-12-17T16:50:00.000-08:00

It's Thursday and I wanted to let you know that everybody in my house is still alive and healthy. We all made it through our incredibly bad start of a day last weekend and have lived to tell about it. I gave my seemingly drunk on high proof alcohol mixed with Rock Star son his Focalin and within 20 minutes I could reach him again. Thank God. But I've gotta tell you that it really sucks to start my days (almost all of them) off like that. My palpitating heart is in my throat and my head buzzes with fury and frustration. It's just not what I had envisioned for my family and home life.

ugly words

2009-12-12T10:23:00.000-08:00

Unforgivable. I'm so bad. This morning I completely lost it after my tazmanian devil had pushed me too far. I threw the box of cherrios and screamed "You are ruining my life!". It's not the first time I've uttered these ugly words and I'm not sure if I'm more furious at myself for verbalizing them or feeling that way. I just wanted to get that off my chest and will explore this topic soon in another post.

Coming Back to Center

2009-12-08T16:34:00.000-08:00

A guest author post by Catherine Follett, MSW, LICSW

Having a child with "special needs" whether it is high sensitivity, ADHD, or anything "out of the norm" taxes every aspect of our lives. Parenting is challenging enough - it stretches and pulls us in ways we never imagined. Parenting a "special needs" child pulls us off our center every day (or every hour!). It's important that we as parents understand that the constant tending to our children leaves us very little room for our own inner life - our own inner reflection. Without time for inner reflection, we become "unrooted" and end up reacting and bandied by the storms of the day. Our children's internal and external storms affect us, unless we are centered and rooted. We become "unhinged" and react to our children in ways we don't mean which leads to embarrassement and shame. Our children feel our unrootedness (they are great at picking up our energy) and they react in turn. This is an exhausting and viscious cycle, depleting us and removing us from our inner knowing. It removes us from our integrity. It affects our friendships and partnerships. Believe me, I know! As a parent of two highly sensitive children (both of whom have been diagnosed with ADHD), I feel the constant pull of their swings of both mood and behavior. What helps me and my clients? Here are some things I bank on...

1) Take time everyday for quiet reflection. The key here is quiet. We need space and alone time to re-center, recharge and re-align. This is not the time to do your "to do list". Even ten minutes sitting quietly day pays off. 2) Before you react to your child, breathe, center and align with yourself. Ask yourself, "what's really needed here?" Your intuition (and you likely have strong and underutilized intuition) will guide you. 3) Enough structure (for ourselves and our children) increases the sense of centeredness and rootedness. Having some order, helped by structure, calms all of us. We feel more centered and our children will too. 4) Be sure to cut yourself some slack. The "best" parents do things they regret. Take a compassionate breath, realign with yourself...do the next "right" step.

Take Special Care, Catherine Follett, MSW, LICSW
Catherine Follett is a Psychotherapist who specializes in the issues of "Right Brain Dominant" adults - parenting, relationships, careers, creativity, depression and anxiety. She uses a mindfulness-based approach and applies it (mostly!) in her own life. She practices in the Seattle area.

spilled milk!

2009-12-05T21:54:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered about the ratio of liquid in stomach to liquid on floor? I firmly believe that, if calculated, I'd see a 50/50 ratio. With a 9 year old and a 3 year old, I'd allocate about 90% of that spillage to the wee one. After nine years and between the 2 kids, I'd say I have a close relationship with each floor board (hardwood) and have gone through hundreds of sponges. How do people with carpeting cope?

climbing under the influence

2009-12-01T10:07:00.000-08:00

I should say, "not under the influence"! I did an inadvertent experiment today. I forgot to give my son his ADHD medication before school. Wow! I picked him up from school and a different boy got in my car. The small space was bombarded with decibels of run-on potty talk exclamations! The boy on meds climbs in the car, says "Hi Mama" and we have a nice conversation about what he did at school that day. I did manage to get him to sit down at the table and do some math homework before heading off to climbing class, but reading was out of the question. After climbing class his instructor extraordinaire mentioned that he was full of energy and implied that he had trouble stopping some too-silly play with another kid. The rest of the evening was equally boisterous and frenetic.

I know many people don't want to medicate their kids or even have them evaluated for attention deficit and impulse control issues, but the ADHD medication is saving my sanity, improving my relationship with my son, and making our house a better place to live.

Penny Williams at a mom's view of ADHD published an great post on the stigma of ADHD medications for kids.

vacations can kill you

2009-11-30T08:23:00.000-08:00

One of my biggest challenges is school vacations during the winter months when it gets dark by 5pm and is, of course, cold and rainy. Last week my son's school was out for the entire week of Thanksgiving and to add to the fun, my husband worked a string of 12 hour shifts. This is a recipe for disaster in my house. The days start with an array of assaults to my bodily space such as bum slapping, arm slugging, cornering me in the kitchen with breath stopping bear hugs, and loud operatic outbursts. His sister takes her share too. He chases her around the house while growling like a monster, takes her favorite toy of the moment and runs around with it while she chases after him crying, and yells crazy things to her like "you're a farkensteinlando". This is what my morning looks like, unless the TV is on. I have a love/hate relationship with that TV. It's a relief tool and a curse. I try not to beat myself up too much for resorting to it as it saves me from jumping out of the window some days. (It's only 10 feet down, so don't worry too much.)

I have to get creative to get us out of our small house and not spend loads of money. While it was my idea to vacuum and wash the car, it was not my intention to lather it up and give it a "full body scrub". That was my little surprise when I looked up from vacuuming about 2 pounds of cracker crumbs out of the back seat. Well, I will say that my hood was cleaner than after taking it to the drive through car wash! We filled the rest of the week with indoor rock climbing, bowling, having the fun neighbors and their kids over for dinner, poking around Goodwill, checking out the reptiles at the pet store, going to Swanson's Nursery to see the Christmas display with real reindeer and a camel, and doing a Christmas present idea gathering trip to our favorite toy store. I should have thought of the zoo and the aquarium. Oh well, Christmas vacation is only 3 weeks away!

a meaty story

2009-11-26T04:38:00.000-08:00

In my profile I mention that I’ve lost friendships over my son’s behavior. It’s the holiday season and this loss is weighing heavy on my heart, so I’ll get it off my chest and share the story.

About 2 months ago I got a Dear John letter from my friend of 42 years. Anne and I lived across the street from each other since the age of 2, went to kindergarten through high school together, both moved to Seattle for college and had our first child within 10 months of each other. As an only child she has been a like a sister to me. The gist of the Dear John letter was this, “I feel that my daughter is not safe to be around your son any longer.” These are two kids who have adored each other and been the best of buddies since birth. Anne’s daughter has severe peanut and egg allergies and our family, including my son, has always been hyper-vigilant in making our home and meals safe for her. He often asked, “Did her mom say this was safe? Can she eat this?”

One morning after the daughter had spent the night with us, my son woke up in full prankster, attention getting mode. I’ll talk about this again in a future post, but starting about 5 months ago he became out of control in the mornings (I think this is part of the “rebound” associated with ADHD medication). He shouts, runs around, plays not-so-funny jokes, and is pretty much unreachable until I get his medication into him. It’s like dealing with a drunk. On that fateful morning he grabbed an egg out of the carton and cracked it on my friend’s daughter’s head. Yes, I freaked out! She was stripped and in the shower within seconds! Fortunately she was fine, but her mom wasn’t. The Dear John email arrived in my inbox the next day. The email went back and forth a few times, the damage worsened and I don’t expect to hear from her again for a long time. It’s sad. But in my heart I know that my son didn’t equate that brown egg cracking over her head with the dangerous food on a plate, and that he wasn’t trying to hurt her. As his mom I will be his fiercest defender to my grave, whatever the cost to me.

a weekend confession and cilantro hair

2009-11-21T15:57:00.000-08:00

It's a cold, rainy Saturday and I'm doing the bad mom thing. I'm letting my son watch TV all day. I have a lot to catch up on around the house and it's just soooo easy to let him sit there in front of the TV. Now that I've "fessed up" I'm going to pull him away for a game of Brain Quest or Rat-a-Tat Cat.

sound familiar?

2009-11-20T00:37:00.000-08:00

Today I was out for a pleasant lunch with my husband and my 3 year old daughter when I had a flashback. About four years ago when my son was maybe four years old, my parents-in-law were in town visiting. We were all sitting at a table in a small, crowded, and thankfully loud restaurant and my son was throwing things, kicking, and acting just awful. My husband grabbed him out of his seat, announced that he was taking him home and left me there with my mother-in-law. No sooner were they gone when she started in with the "He's a good boy, but..." Sound familiar?

Other infuriating comments from people over the years may sound familar to you as well. How about:
1. He sure doesn't listen to you, does he? (my parents)
2. When my child acted like that he got a good lickin'. (a sweet little old lady from the deep south)
3. Does he ever sit still? (common comment)
4. I don't want my kid to see your son behaving that way. (neighbors with a boy 2 years younger)
5. I hate your kid. (my single, eccentric, high IQ friend who doesn't filter what comes out of his mouth)

Wow. As if having a kid who often brings me to tears isn't enough, my friends and family have to insert a dagger and twist. I haven't sat around letting my kid run wild with no guidance or discipline. People who have regular, easy-to-handle kids don't understand the experience of parenting a difficult or spirited child. After eight years of beating my head against the wall and feeling like a complete failure of a mom, I am finally registering that I got dealt a difficult hand and that I have been doing the best I could at the time. My "mom ego" is still bruised, but I feel better now knowing that I am working harder and learning more every day about how to help my son be his best self.

*Funny note: I asked my son to draw me a picture of a shark for this post. He handed it to me and said "Look, it's a shark eating a person." What perfect timing to make his shark attack someone! See? There I am, right there getting chewed up! Ever feel that way?

my subject, revealed

2009-11-18T13:27:00.000-08:00

A lovely photo of my son living life BIG on a Mexican beach. With a big energy kid, the great outdoors are my savour. Being stuck inside a smallish house in Seattle during 7 months of cold and rain is my long nightmare. At some point I'll be able to hit the Guggenheim and the theaters of NCY or do the restaurant tour of San Francisco again. But for now, I'll be going to sunny places with beaches and pools where there is plenty of space for the little mister's big energy.